I was reading a book tonight that describes common characteristics of all moral people. Briefly, here’s the points this book makes about moral people:
They’ll all have a sense of responsibility for themselves. Autonomy. They can withstand peer pressure. (opposite is a susceptible person who is extremely reactive to external pressure)
They are empathetic, develop a sense of compassion and caring (opposite is a defensive person)
Active, responsive people who take the initiative and they perform acts of helpfulness. They are oriented toward achievement. (Opposite is passivity, and when this is combined with susceptibility it increases the likelihood they will hurt others with acts of omission, not acting morally when they should to prevent others from being hurt)
Acceptance (opposite is prejudice)
Conversability- they participate in convers that promote understanding about one‘s self and others (opposite is social isolation)
Emotional competence, they maintain regular moods and a fairly positive state. (opposite is emotional incompetence - extremely changeable moods, weak ability to resist temptation).
They discussed briefly each of the main ones and in a sentence or two described the opposite of each characteristic. I took notes on what I was reading and here is what I got out of it:
Defensive people shift responsibility for their actions to someone else. This allows them to justify immorality and thus avoid the associated guilt that comes to most people doing immoral things. They hide their feelings and avoid empathy. They don’t try to understand the feelings of others, particularly the feelings of those they are hurting so they can avoid guilt. They become very insensitive and can easily justify bigger and more frequent hurtful acts by pointing out the flaws in others, especially in the one they are hurting the most with their immorality. They point fingers at others to justify their own immoral behaviors.
I’ve also been reading Jordan Petersen’s 12 rules for life book and I thought his point on the Oedibal mother was a fair description of my mother in law and now in recent years, my father in law as well. His book says this under his topic “compassion as a vice”:
The Oedibal Mother (which is the opposite of a criminal) says to her child “I only live for you.” She does everything for her children; ties their shoes, cuts up their food, lets them sleep in her bed with her and her partner... she makes a pact with herself, her children and the devil himself (this is dramatic and I can’t say I agree with Jordan here but maybe in extreme cases... or maybe he was just making his writing more interesting) “Never leave me and in return I will do everything for you. You will never have to take on any responsibility and I will make sure that everything you do wrong will always be someone else’s fault!”
He goes on to say that this creates worthless and bitter adults who are absolutely suffering from dependent personality disorder. I’ve seen this happen firsthand in my husbands family. In the past when he and I were on the same page, we didn’t approve of this extreme behavior. We often were made to pay the price financially for his sibling that his mother had coddled and raised in such a sick co-dependent relationship that she couldn’t get a job, keep an apartment, buy a home or a vehicle, or even maintain a marriage due to this. She’s over 50 and still lives at home right now. She was a pregnant teen and of course that “wasn’t her fault”. I could write volumes on how the world has wronged this sister in law (according to her mom) and how her string of failed relationships, illegitimate children (who are now carrying on the family tradition and having multiple illegitimate children of their own from multiple fathers, all coming home to stay at grandmas house and living on the family finances whenever life gets tough), lack of a career, and basic unsuccessful life are absolutely not at all her fault. Her drug and alcohol use are excused away and sometimes flat out denied by her mom because “it’s not the poor girls fault” and her moms main topic of conversation with anyone and everyone is this daughter or her granddaughter who is happily taking on the role of co-dependent as well to help her grandmas ego and avoid any guilty feelings for being the way she is.
One memorable early marriage experience was when I attended a family function for the very first time at my mother in laws sister’s home. I was pregnant with our first baby, happy to meet more family that I hoped would welcome our little one and be a part of the village that would raise it- and I showed up to find my mother in law carrying on about some drama that her Never-wrong daughter had gotten herself into and how it was now of urgent importance to get her out and she was recruiting the help of any and all people who were still willing to stay in the room as she drones on and on about the latest dilemma she’s experiencing. Now my mother in law has burned many bridges, lots of people in the family hang up when she starts in on obsessing over her... we call it the D-word and once it starts there’s no getting a word in edgewise. So anyhow, I barely enter the home for the party or whatever the occasion was, and my dutiful mother in law doesn’t even say “hello” or “how’s the swollen ankles?” but starts in on the story before I can sit down. I listen politely as long as possible but I needed to pee because I was pregnant and that’s what we do ever 30 minutes... and I can’t interrupt her to ask where a bathroom is. Well about 45 min later (and now I’ve got 1.5 bladders full and can hardly sit) my mother in laws sister walks in the room and realizes what’s happening, maybe the pain on my face was evident and she goes: R- - - -! This is your brand new daughter in law and she’s pregnant and all you’re carrying on about is D - - -!! What is wrong with this picture? She gives me a hug and I ask where the bathroom is and I think I ran out of the room and avoided my mother in law the rest of the night. If I’m really honest, I eventually avoided her the rest of my marriage because there was just no way possible to have a normal relationship with her and not get wrangled into hour long conversations about her daughter that usually ended with a request for help or prayers or whatever on behalf of the latest drama she’s caused that my mother in law was determined to separate the consequences from. I eventually dreaded hearing her call or come over for holidays because that meant I had to listen politely and was never allowed to just have a common light conversation. Not ever. It was like if we didn’t listen approvingly then we just did not love. Being fake like that and calling wrong right and right wrong was just not something I could in good conscience do.
Well now, we are in a situation that the farm we purchased in Cushing OK (21 hours away from the in-laws for a reason) is a topic of debate in this divorce. I want my husband to have it and farm it and take good care of it, but that’s not a possibility right now for several reasons. He not being gainfully employed for six years is one major reason. His dad, who in recent years is just as bad as his mom with the co-dependent relationships among daughter and granddaughter... has decided to come and save the day by giving my husband exactly enough to secure a mortgage for what we owe, but nothing to pay me any equity in the property that I’ve made $130,000 in house payments on since buying it in September 2015. I’m scared to do this, even though there is a handshake deal that he’ll pay me out over the next 15 years a little less than half or so what my 50% legal equity should be. Just a fraction of it really, and we don’t know the exact value of the 100 acres and home because it hasn’t been appraised. My husband and his advisors (drinking buddies, girlfriend and father) absolutely are against having that done and say that with the right attorney, they should just be able to take the house and get me to pay the mortgage off. Since after all, I’m not going to be paying alimony and because I’m getting sole custody of our kids.