So this past several months have been busy for us. We have had some downs- including kidney stones, a surgery, illness following that surgery, a tornado (or possibly an angry husband and his tractor?), and career changes that resulted in a decrease in my pay and benefits that are not what they used to be. But we have had so many more ups than downs that I can’t help but feel blessed!
#4 came to live at home again (shes escaped these past few months to couch hop in Utah with One and Two)
best Mother’s Day ever, hands down
friends and family stepping up to help me when I need kids shuttled to and from wherever, need to buy a new computer but don’t have time to research, giving me and my children emotional support, blessings, prayers for us... millions of situations where someone stepped up to ease our burdens
kids and I have been so happy
spring flowers and new growth, and summers come with warm days and campouts and schools finally out
my job hired me back (seems like there was a chance they may not when my hospital stopped using the contract company I work for to staff pharmacy in house) so now I’ll continue doing the same job but for a different employer
my church family is amazing and I enjoy every opportunity to work with and serve them
finished up temple prep class I was teaching which means I get to go to the temple with my friend on June 19! Super excited for this, it’s just what I needed.
financial stability finally- I’ve gone a full year without having our insurance canceled, checks bounced or having to skip lunch because I forgot to pack it and deep down I worry I can’t afford to buy my lunch (this fear was ridiculous when I look back now and realize my husband had a $8/day tobacco habit and I worried about buying $1 worth of soup at the hospital WHILE I WAS PREGNANT because I was trying to make ends meet and not be wasteful)
love my personal finance class, I’m learning to teach these concepts to my kids
daily morning prayer and Book of Mormon verses with kids are going so good, kids quit getting uncomfortable when the random verse selected by one of us each morning seems to be pointing fingers and condemning and now they’re just like- well, if the shoe fits...
losing myself in the service of others has helped me find joy
spending high quality time with my kids and phone calls and FaceTimes daily with my college kiddos has brought me so much happiness
planning another Europe trip with three kids this time just before Two leaves on her mission!! Super excited to plan this
So many days where I feel uplifted and just happy, I can’t deny that God must be blessing me and giving me strength
Today is Sunday and I watched a youtube video of the poem Life Is What We Make of It by Edward Albert Guest check it out here:
and this inspired me to at least write down all the good that my life has in it and how much I enjoy life right now in spite of my trials and this divorce that I’m going through.
I know acceptance is a big part of this. I have slowly come to realize more and more that my husbands problems and issues are not mine. He suffers but I don’t have to. He can blame justify and re-write history all he wants but that simply does not make it true. His addictions are his own. They started before we ever met, and he hid them when he married me. They have come back time and time again through our marriage but his lack of integrity prevented me from being able to help him at all with any of it. The knowledge that I didn’t cause it has come gradually and it is a truth that’s tough to hold onto as Husband keeps screaming to all who will listen that I am the cause of all this suffering... but here is a message I texted his brother when he was asking how I’m holding up- and this was back in February 2021!
“I learned theough the spirit and by logic today in my counseling session that it's not reasonable for me to keep searching for what my part is in causing [husband’s] breakdown. This is just who he really is, it started with tobacco alcohol and porn when he was a teenager before we ever met, he's acted out and gone back to that from time to time these past twenty years, and now this breakdown and reverting to who he really is inside has nothing to do with me. My sister said that maybe it's been that these twenty years of having his porn addiction yet living with monogamy may have been a white knuckle experience for him and he couldn't put up that front any longer. She might be right, but either way, I know I need to stop seeking out what I had to do with where we are today and I gotta give credit to him that this is really just who he is. And accept that I didn't know he was changing and he's not who he was when he married me but this is who he wants to be and I gotta back off and let him be how he wants because there is not anything I can do about it. [My counselor] advised me to stop listening to him blame me, it's not healthy and it makes no sense. He was like this as a teenager and he's just reverted back to it”
Such clarity and wisdom I had back then! I’ve since gone back and forth and tried so many times to ask “what have I done to cause your PTSD” and we have gone in absolute circles for hours and hours so many times. I’ve been patient, I’ve been not patient, I’ve loved and I’ve said “I hate what you’re doing!” So many times that it’s consumed me since then. I’m done with all this and ready to let go. Suicide is my biggest worry as I leave my husband to his own devices. Without the love, respect, trust and comforts of our family- he may not survive yet another failure, but that too will not be my fault if it does happen. I accept that he is responsible for his own choices and I know deep down that I have done all I could to help him.